Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Lies I Tell Myself About Food

I have tried to set the goals of "eating healthier" or "going on a diet" more than once over the course of my life - and each time I find myself trying to justify the introduction of my old eating habits back into my daily routine.  This is just a preview of some of what goes on in my head.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Things I've Learned Since Turning 26 Last Weekend

1.  There is no greater reminder that you are turning 26 than standing in line at the RMV and thinking about how it has been exactly 5 years since you last had to do this on your 21st birthday.  And there is no better way to spend your birthday than people-watching at the intersection of all humanity.

2.  Health insurance sucks.  After riding the Obamacare wave and staying on my parents' plan until I turned 26, I do not appreciate the hit in my paycheck, though I suppose if I didn't have it and need medical attention, I would appreciate the hit to my bank account even less.

3.  I can't just eat whatever I want anymore.  Admittedly there was never a point in my life I could eat anything I wanted without weight-related repercussions, but I used to be able to eat pepper jack cheese at 9:00pm without waking up at 3:00am with unfathomable heartburn.  Not to mention that my already slow metabolism seems to have just given up altogether.

5.  It's really hard to wake up at a reasonable time if you go to bed after midnight.  I remember a time in my life when I could go to bed at 3:00am, wake up at 8:00am for class, and barely need a nap until the late afternoon.  Now, if I go to bed after midnight there is no way I'm going to be in the office at a reasonable time the next day.

6.  Pop music has gotten just awful.  On the way home from Zumba, I heard a song that consisted of abrasive house beats and a woman talking to a silent friend, set at a dance club.  I thought that it was kind of like the introduction to Baby Got Back where the white women are criticizing some other woman's butt, but they never got past the talking.  The song was two women talking about taking selfies over house music, and then it ended.  I feel like 25 year old me might have appreciated this but present day me was confused and sad.

7.  Coupons.  Did you know that in the time that it takes to cut out a small piece of thin paper and for the cost of a weekly newspaper, you can save 50 cents to a dollar on each item that you buy for your household?  Pair that with a sale and you're living the American dream, raking in Dawn and Tide for 50 cents a pop.  I can't even.  Why did I used to pay full price for things?

8.  Social engagements feel like work.  If my weekend plans didn't include watching Netflix, I'm not going to be relaxed going into this week.  And the point of the weekend is to be relaxed.

9.  I am closer to 30 than I am to being 20.

10.  Realizing this did not stop me from having Spongebob Squarepants easy mac for lunch.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Things You're Doing in Zumba That are Annoying Me

I've been pretty good about attending Zumba classes lately, since there's no better way to get me to be active than to disguise my workout as a Latin dance party. As I now consider myself to be somewhat of a pro, I have found that there are certain things that just bug me as a Zumba regular. I would like to take this time to provide you with a PSA about appropriate behavior in the Zumba classroom from the perspective of your friendly, neighborhood average Zumba participant.  Here's what NOT to do:

1.  Setting up too close to someone else.

I get to class 5-7 minutes early so that I can secure a comfortable and appropriate spot for my needs.  Nothing grinds me gears more than someone who shows up after me and infringes on my personal space.  Today in class I was concerned that a woman was trying to either hide behind me in shame or somehow benefiting from the shade from my shadow she was so close behind me.  Ma'am, I cannot be held accountable if I whack you mid-Samba.  Just trying to get my Zumba on to its fullest.

2.  Going rogue.

Let me preface by saying that I understand that some people modify the moves based on ability, comfort, etc.  I'm not talking about not adding a jump here or there, or not lifting your arms all the way.  I'm talking about the woman doing straight up yoga in the back of the room while the rest of us are booty shaking.  If you came to the wrong class, it's more honorable to slip out quietly than to just go about your business doing a totally different routine in my Zumba class.  This also applies to the girl who was clubbing in the corner to Get Low today.  Everyone is going to the window and to the wall, and you are just straight up booty dropping in the front row like no one is watching you.  I am annoyed by it but at the same time, I respect it.

3.  Checking yourself in the mirror.

Again, I'm not referring to you Zumba-ers who are checking your form during a squat.  I can't think of many things worse than a Zumba-related injury.  I am talking about the aforementioned booty dropper who seemed to be getting a real kick out of herself going off the beaten path in the front row of Club Zumba.  I am talking about the girl making duck faces in her mirror while she struck poses during the entire song.  I am talking about the young lady who stopped mid-dance to check out her matching workout outfit.  I am done with all of you.

4.  Racing to the mats.

When I do Zumba Core, the instructor stops after about 40 minutes of cardio and has us go get mats from the closet to do 20 minutes of strength training at the end of class.  There are women in my Zumba class who will break into a full run across the room to be the first one with a mat, as though there are a limited number of them available.  Ladies, there are plenty of mats to go around, and the instructor isn't going to start until everyone is back in their spots.  Take it easy.

5.  Ignoring the instructor.

I go to a few classes where the instructors are trying so hard to engage with the class by asking questions or throwing out one-liners, and often they are met with a bunch of open-mouthed, wide-eyed stares, and me yelling, "I'M FEELING GREAT THANK YOU FOR ASKING!" If your instructor talks, talk back! If you think she's funny, smile! Your instructor is just another human like you, except she's exceptionally perky and great at Zumba.

6.  Phoning it in.

This is the number one thing I hate to see in a Zumba class.  You can get all dolled up in your spandex workout wear and high ponytail.  You can wear your Zumba gear and show up to class every single day.  But if you're just going through the motions and not putting any effort into your movement, there's no point to coming to class. Either try or clear out, there are people who would like your floor space and your spot in line for a mat.

Monday, June 24, 2013


Going to the gym: I think I'll ride my bike to the rec center today! It will be quicker than walking, a little extra exercise, and it's good for the environment!

At the gym: I'm just a little sweaty going into this cardio dance class, but it's okay! And to think how much time I saved by biking here! Easily 5 minutes shaved off my travel time.

After class: Wow I am sweaty and tired. I can't wait to get in my air conditioned ca--ohhhh wait.

Walking to my bike: My legs already hurt from this class sooo...


Friday, May 24, 2013

The Packing Chronicles Continued

This is what packing looks like at 9:00pm:

Neat.  Orderly.  In a box.

This is what packing looks like at 3:00am:

No order.  No sense.  In a Chipotle bag.

Monday, May 20, 2013

The Move Pt. I: Packing Didn't Go So Well

The scene:  Thursday, the day before I am scheduled to move at 7:30am to temporary housing on another part of campus.  I have packed one box and strewn clothing and craft items throughout my apartment.

5:00pm:  Return home from a long day of work.  If I put my mind to it, I'm sure I can pack all of my earthly possessions neatly into boxes before a reasonable time tonight!

5:30pm:  Yeah!  I should start putting my mind to it.

5:45pm:  Definitely should get started on the packing.

6:00pm:  Oh wait!  Tonight is my Irish step dancing class.  I should pass for tonight though since I have a lot of packing to do by tomorrow morning.

6:01pm:  But at the same time, it's only an hour!  I can definitely go and still have plenty of time to pack.

6:02pm:  Plus, they need me!  One person missing and ALL OF THE FORMATIONS are ruined!

6:03pm:  Plus, I missed last week!  I need to get my money's worth!

6:04pm:  Plus...  Actually I've justified it enough.  It's time to hit the road.

6:15pm:  Share with my dance class friends how comical it is that I move in about 12 hours and have packed one box of DVDs and left my apartment in complete disarray.  Giggle.  Irish step dance.

7:45pm:  Wait a minute I thought this class was an hour...

7:46pm:  Oh well, I had fun and now I'll get to packing and I should still be able to finish at a reasonable time if I really focus!

7:47pm:  But not before a quick bite to eat!

7:48pm:  Peruse kitchen.

7:52pm:  Peruse.

7:55pm:  Peruse.

7:56pm:  Select leftovers from the fridge.

7:58pm:  Microwave.

8:02pm:  Season.

8:05pm:  Om nom noooooh god tonight is the finale of the Office and there is a special behind the scenes feature on!  If I don't watch this I will be missing out on a once in a lifetime opportunity in television history!

8:35pm:  Did you know that Steve Carell improved his kiss with Oscar in the Gay Witch Hunt episode?

8:39pm:  Did you know that the actress who plays Carol Stills is Steve Carell's real-life wife?

8:40pm:  I should probably multitask here.

8:42pm:  But did you know that the actor who played Toby had never acted prior to being cast on the Office (in what was originally meant to be a one-time appearance)?

8:55pm:  Jenna Fischer is crying.

8:56pm:  I am crying.

9:00pm:  FINALE TIME!

9:30pm:  Wash one dish during a commercial break.



10:17pm:  Better find something else to watch while I pack.

10:19pm:  Family Guy?

10:20pm:  The Big Bang Theory?

10:21pm:  Law & Order SVU?

10:22pm:  Maybe I'll watch a movie?

10:23pm:  Family Guy.

10:24pm:  Okay it's settled and OH GOD I HAVE SO MUCH STUFF AND IT'S EVERYWHERE.

10:30pm:  Well Family Guy is over, what should I watch next?  This is a priority.

10:31pm:  Family Guy again makes the most sense.

10:32pm:  Finish washing the dishes.  Set out to dry.

10:40pm:  Begin neatly stacking craft supplies in a tote.

10:48pm:  Start loading canned goods, pasta, and other nonperishables into reusable shopping bags.

10:52pm:  Pack and seal one box of winter clothes and hoodies.

11:00pm:  Well that was a solid half hour of packing.  Maybe I should take a break.

11:15pm:  Still resting.

11:25pm:  Resting.

11:30pm:  Conan is on!

11:31pm:  I'm not, like, a HUGE fan of the Conan show as it stands on TBS, but I watch it out of loyalty to him after he was wronged by NBC.  I laugh at maybe one out of every 75 jokes, and even then it is not a hearty laugh.

12:00am:  Midnight.  Midnight is my threshold between organized packing and panicked chaos.

12:03am:  Trash bags filled with clothes and shoes!

12:18am:  Boxes with hand weights and scissors and old grad school papers!

12:35am:  A Chipotle bag filled with candy and a couple of pens and an open box of paper clips!

12:40am:  You know what though?  I should go back and label my boxes to make sure they end up in the right place.

12:41am:  Now let me find a marker...

12:43am:  Searching for a marker.

12:45am:  Searching for a marker.

12:47am:  A marker!  Now where is it that I'm going again?  I feel like it's B112 but could be B111 or B113 or possibly B115 but not B114.

12:48am:  I should check this so my stuff doesn't get lost.

12:49am:  I definitely have an e-mail somewhere...

12:50am:  Phone is searching...

12:52am:  Phone is searching...

12:54am:  Searching searching...

12:56am:  I'll just pull it up on my laptop.

12:57am:  Searching for wireless...

12:59am:  Searching for wireless...

1:00am:  Wireless found.

1:03am:  When did I get on Facebook?

1:06am:  When did I start a game of Candy Crush?

1:08am:  I feel like I got my laptop out for a reason...


1:18am:  I remember!  I was going to look up where I was moving to and label my boxes!

1:20am:  Found it!  It is none of the rooms that I had guessed earlier.

1:21am:  Label.

1:25am:  Label.

1:28am:  Label.

1:30am:  HOLY CRAP IT'S 1:30AM.  I move in 6 hours.

1:35am:  Resume panicked packing.

1:38am:  This box will be for video games and nail polish and a couple of plates and potato chips!

1:44am:  Gift bag filled with Luna bars and a half a bottle of wine!

1:51am:  Throw more pens in the Chipotle bag!

1:55am:  Have I ever used this food processor?

1:56am:  Doesn't matter throw it in a box somewhere.  Anywhere.  Any box.

2:02am:  I finally packed a box that makes sense with all of my dishes in it.  Success!

2:03am:  Except for the dishes that I set out to dry during the Office finale earlier which I forgot about until now!

2:05am:  Find places to wedge newly clean dishes so that I can have one box that is actually organized and contains all of the same things.

2:06am:  Wedging.

2:08am:  Wedging.

2:09am:  Half unpack box and wedge.

2:11am:  Success again!  This time only moderate success.

2:12am:  Resume panicking.

2:18am:  I'll put this corkscrew in this lunch box with a couple of pieces of blank paper and a half a bottle of water.

2:23am:  It makes just as much sense as putting these iPod speakers in this box with my stuffed Stitch and a bunch of bananas and also my dinosaur mug.

2:28am:  And additionally I'm putting in these batteries with this avocado and this tupperware in my backpack.

2:38am:  More panic packing.

2:47am:  More panic packing.

2:49am:  I should put on some motivating tv shows to keep me awake and panicking.

2:51am:  Infomercials.

2:52am:  Infomercials.

2:54am:  The 700 Club.

2:57am:  Infomercials.


3:03am:  What do you mean I haven't packed ANYTHING from my bathroom?

3:07am:  Why do I have so many craft supplies?


3:12am:  Denial.

3:15am:  Questioning.

3:18am:  Crying.

3:20am:  Panic packing.

3:25am:  Maybe I should sleep.  I'll set an alarm and finish up everything under the gun in the morning.

3:26am:  And by "in the morning" I mean in 3 hours.

3:27am:  Brief dream related to being a guest star on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air as the Banks' sassy white neighbor who is really good at basketball.

6:00am:  Unpleasant awakening by my phone alarm.  I will never know if Will and I win the basketball championships and forge ahead in our unlikely friendship.  I have never been so displeased to hear Flo Rida's "I Cry" blaring from my phone speaker.

6:02am:  I'm just gonna lay here and watch this infomercial for Insanity.

6:04am:  Wow this workout is literally insane.  I get the name.

6:06am:  These people can jump so high!

6:08am:  You lost 45 pounds in 90 days?!

6:10am:  Wait a minute.  I got up early because I have SO MUCH TO PACK IN THE NEXT 80 MINUTES.

6:11am:  Hurl self from bed.

6:12am:  Attempt to brush teeth.  Packed toothbrush.  Abort teeth brushing mission in favor of panic packing.

6:15am:  Panic packing.

6:28am:  Panic packing.

6:30am:  Hey Boy Meets World is o--NO.  Panic packing.

6:35am:  My fridge is completely full.

6:36am:  Dispose of sour cream that expired in April.

6:38am:  Dispose of damp looking mozzarella ball that I don't remember purchasing.

6:39am:  Oh god I hope that was a mozzarella ball.

6:40am:  I touched it.

6:41am:  With my hands.

6:42am:  And I packed all of my soap.

6:45am:  Fill trash bag with sweatpants, wine glasses, Lysol wipes, and several issues of Cosmopolitan.

6:54am:  Panic pack.

6:59am:  Panic pack.

7:04am:  Shift boxes to living room.

7:11am:  I'm almost finished!  I can't believe I made it to this point!  I would like to thank the Academy...

7:12am:  No time!  Pack!  Panic!  Pack!  Speech later!

7:18am:  Wow I'm really hungry.

7:19am:  And I packed all my food.

7:20am:  What is that beeping noise?

7:22am:  After some investigation that beeping noise is the moving truck backing up to the front of my building for easy loading access.

7:23am:  And by "some investigation" I mean I was confused for about 90 seconds and then looked out my window.

7:26am:  Movers have arrived.

7:27am:  And by "movers" I mean 9 unfortunate students who are about to schlep all of my poorly packed shit into a truck to be driven about a quarter mile up the road.

7:30am:  The movers introduce themselves to me.  They are talking so fast and I slept for three hours.  I remember no names.  Maybe there was a Steve.

7:35am:  Schlepping.

7:38am:  Schlepping.

7:41am:  "I really like that you own a VCR and the Lion King on VHS." - Mover

7:47am:  Schlepping.

7:50am:  "Did you wrap all of your mugs in glasses in flyers for Wings Over Amherst that you found in the lobby?" - Mover (maybe Steve?)

7:51am:  I did do that.

7:53am:  Last leg of the journey:  roll up bedding and put into a trash bag.

7:59am:  And my apartment is completely empty!  It is almost sad to think that so many hours of packing led to about 30 minutes of loading.

8:05am:  Things are delivered to new apartment.

8:07am:  Schlepping.

8:09am:  Movers sing "Jingle Bells" while carrying a tote of Christmas decorations down a long hallway, led by my wooden rudolph with red pom-pom nose (which is not packed in any box, trash bag, or Chipotle bag.  Just out in the open).

8:15am:  The move has been completed.

8:16am:  Thank movers.

8:17am:  Tell them I'll see them later this summer when I move a second time to my more permanent home.

8:18am:  Movers groan and walk away solemnly.

8:19am:  Locate trash bag with bedding.

8:20am:  Unroll bedding.

8:21am:  Tuck in corners.

8:22am:  Sleep for the rest of the daylight hours.

-- End of Move Pt. I --

Monday, May 13, 2013

Packing Isn't Going Well

About that move on Friday...

It's...it's not looking good so far.

Successfully emptied the contents of my dresser on the floor and then also successfully walked away.

In my defense, I did get an official "moving date" last Friday, so I only have 7 days to pack my life.

In my not defense, in the last 48 hours I have watched 10 episodes of How I Met Your Mother, and I've watched Baby Mama and Stepbrothers.  Twice.  Each.  And I'm not great at multitasking.  And I've napped three times.  In two days.

Also in my defense, I was busy this weekend with several major things!


My brother graduated from college (conveniently, the college I work and live at)!

All of the students moved out!

And my RAs are gone too!

So I clearly was too busy and also encompassed in a glass case of emotion and also busy to be worrying about things like packing.  Right?  RIGHT?  Someone please validate me.

Only a few more long nights of packing and napping until the big move!